Ughhhhhhh.

I wonder what it'll be like this time next Thursday. Well, I know it will probably involve alcohol (I'm going to Fyvie again) but I mean I wonder if I'll be happy.
I've fallen out with one of my best friends and with one of my friends. Who incidentally is my (other) best friend's boyfriend. Sounds like a tongue twister I know. Now take into account that they both fell out with me over things that I have said without realising that they could hurt anyone.
The first completely misconstrued something that was meant to be a good thing and she said it broke her heart.
The second was me being a dumbass and accidentally putting a good relationship in jeapordy.

I love them both so much. I can't believe I've let this happen. I try to apologize but apparently it's too late. The only thing keeping me from self destruction (once more) is Amanda Palmer. I've never relied on someone so much who I have never met. Someone who is unaware of my existence decorates my subconscious. I see her as a very distant, unaware version of a guardian angel.

Please excuse the bad analogies, spelling, and grammar. I am shattered. Last night I didn't get to sleep 'til at least five and now it's almost midnight. I'm not physically tired, but my brain is giving up on rationality.
I have a plan for tomorrow.
I'm going to get up early (really do it this time) and have a shower. I'm going to post my avon order, not caring that it will be 8am. I will try to make myself not look like shit and get on a bus. I will go to the corner shop and get cigarettes, something i went without today and resultedly the already crappy situation has been feeling slightly crappier.
I'll wake up Caitlan because she said I'm allowed to, no matter how early it is.
I don't know what'll happen during the day, but by the night I'll be drunk with my friends. Hopefully I'll have sorted out arguments (or at least one).
I'll be happy. I'll force myself to be.